Science is the best thing we can do. And I think it is better for men to seek order in a chaotic manner instead to study chaos in an orderly fashion.

Friday, October 12, 2007

I have rather neglected the blog lately

Even it takes time, the blog helps me to clarify, and to shade, eventually to assimilate my unrests: by writing and then forgetting about them.

I admit that I wrote Gina again... I am still upset about her lack of reaction. I acknowledge that she did not give even one glance to my blog: it's quite improbable that she did not see her emails in the last ten days.

I accept that matures who were successfully as children, are coddled by the fate, and this could be a problem: it's possible that there is no bridge between us.

Some people would say that I am at a critical age: imagine, I, a solitary guy, have made myself a blog. It seems a contradiction in terms. I don't think that it's only the age: in what is concerning to me, situation is critical since many year, thus, I have developed even a kind of tolerance to it. Concerning my interest with Gina and the related rush, I have no explanation, and I understand almost nothing about them. I am not comfortable with that, and of course, I tend to leave this state. Yet, I will probably stay with it for a while, I just don't want to cowardly run of this indistinct feeling: because I have to turn out well, with an idea, with a thought. I just need a conclusion.

Speaking here about a woman, even a beautiful one, one could think that I go around and shun true words, and it would be better to straight to the point saying that I am already in love. But immediate question is this: how can someone be in love with a memory, with a photo, that is with someone absent, or with someone you don't talk to, and you are not in correspondence neither, at least? Though, it could be something else: the self respect, because she did not answer to me, and because I cannot accept that. Why? I don't know how to answer this. Probably I have a problem: but I admit that I am stubborn. Am I insistent? Yes, I am also insistent.

But I usually use my stubbornness for other things. And the insistence too. They were embezzled for a moment: by what?

I feel like smiling. I think that stubbornness and stuff are among my remarkable traits, that are completing my intelligence which is an idea above mean. So, I have improved these "cannons" for years -- don't worry, only for fifteen or so --, and now, I have redirected them towards poor Gina: thus, perhaps she was forced to accept that I am a frantic and cranky email writer, and decided to let me be in my own misfortune.

For the sake of honesty, and because sometimes I am (also) suffering about scholarly exactingness I have to yield few details related to this situation: Gina is going for a PhD at a university somewhere in Europe (I would not disclose the field, it's a scientific one, however). So, she is in the system, she's doing what she has to do: I have already encouraged her for this in the latter email. Instead, I stay at home and study by myself, hence outside the system, with minimum chance of getting a PhD in physics: this would be almost impossible in this moment, just because I have an IT degree. Discussion cannot be reduced to the possibilities only, and our strategies are very unlike: also, time factor is crucial here. And there is something more: even I had a lot to lose, and I have even now, I don't believe in the system and what is happening in today's physics at the top, does not inspire me too much. Resuming, her route is that of an enrolled person: mine, one directly perilous, almost suicidal (concerning my career), which looks like that of a kamikaze. Of course that her silence increases my feeling of isolation!

Otherwise, I have no other way out: I have to work more to the new mathematical model. I cannot see other solution, I think that there is no other, neither want to know about another.

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